


Love Letters to Fears

by killthewhispers



Category: Original Work
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Anxiety, Death, Depression, Fear, I'll add more tags as i go, Love Letter to Fear, Panic Attacks, Relapsing, Short & Sweet, body issues, letter to death, well short that is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-08-19 03:48:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16526708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killthewhispers/pseuds/killthewhispers
Summary: Love letters to my fears





	1. Body Issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief mention of purging

Dear Body Issues,

You’re always with me, never leaving my thoughts. You take over my mind and body, pushing me beyond the boundaries I set. You control me in a way that leaves me breathless. While everyone tells me not to listen to you and that you’re bad for me, I can never leave you. Just like how you can never leave me. We’ll always be one and the same, forever. Never leaving each other alone and you never conceding control over me.

You’ve been with me for so long that I’m not sure who or what I would be without you. You’ve saved me from wearing the clothes that would never look good for me. Told me time and time again to go and purge my body to feel better. That if I follow your instructions I’ll be like everyone else and fit in better. While you tell me this, everyone else tells me no. That I don’t need your suggestions or thoughts about me or my body. That I can do whatever I want, but how can I follow myself when you’re a part of me?

You’re always by my side, even when I’m with others. They would never understand the way you make me feel though. How you explain what I’m doing wrong and why no one ever looks at me the way they look at others. You understand all my feelings and tell me ways to be better. To give into your control, to follow your instructions to a tee. But, some of me still doesn’t give in, remembering all of those times others told me to not listen to you. That you can’t control me.

Of course, what would they know? With their perfect selves and the looks sent their way. Never to me, not with you telling me that “it’s always them and to not kid myself into thinking otherwise. Why would others want me?” You say. With my looks and characteristics. No one could ever love me the way you do. To stick by my side and never leave. They could never guide me like you do, with your honest truths. How “I shouldn’t get that much food or else I’ll get sick.” To not wear what I think would look good. That I “shouldn’t take off my hoodie or jacket, else others would notice and talk about me.”

You’ve saved me from so many disasters. Helped me not draw attention to myself. Reminded me that I should “stay down, don’t leave your room, hide behind a wall of fabric, and to never show off my true self.” How can all of my friends and family not see that you help me? That you stop me from embarrassing myself and remind me of how my body doesn’t look like other girls. That I always need to have on my makeup and to keep pulling up my jeans so it seems like my stomach is smaller. That instead of going to the gym I should go to the bathroom.

You give me quick fixes and ideas of how to better myself. It comes to mind now that I’ve never thanked you. How could I not? Why must I always be closed off to myself when you’re there. I’m never alone thanks to you. Thank you for reminding me about how “I’ll never be good enough.” Thank you for letting me know “no one will ever love me.” And lastly, thank you for making me feel that I’ll always need to change something about myself to feel good. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me Body Issues. Hopefully soon I’ll change myself for the better and you’ll think the best of me. That I’ll finally be good enough and you won’t have any more suggestions. Luckily, I don’t think you’ll ever you away and that we’ll always be together. We’ll stick together and you’ll help me better myself. Won’t that be great? A lifetime always together.


	2. Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really short one

Dear Death, 

We'll meet eventually, inevitably. You keep coming to mind again and again. I fear you. But, at the same time, love you. I love you, because you are the one constant in my life. You'll never change, never waver in your plan. You'll stay by me. And will take me into a whole new world. One I hope will be a better adventure than the last. 

Whether you take me by the beliefs of Paganism, Christianity, Buddhism, or the Greek myths. If I come to be in Heaven, or reincarnated, or even if I find myself in Elysium. It doesn't matter to me, because I know you'll be there for me. You'll come visit me when you decide the time is right. Be that if I'm ready to go or not. Death doesn't wait for anyone, and I feel loved for being treated like equals. 

I know I'll have the occasional existential crises over what I'm doing in this very moment. That even when I know we'll be meeting sooner or later, I'm not doing very much with my life. But, again, what is there to do. I'm doing what I must for me. No one, not even you, Death, can make me change myself. I shall be me, until I no longer exist in this world.  
I believe, when all is said and done, I'll be proud of myself, and be excited when I can finally meet you face to face. My friend. My one true companion. The one who's stayed by me and in my thoughts for as long as I've known you. We'll be one and the same, until the day I die.


	3. Anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief mention of panic attack, but it's really short

Dear Anxiety,

You came back in full force today, even though you’re never really gone. You come in bouts, sometimes staying a while and then other times leaving me quickly. Either way, you always leave me breathless. My heart pounding in my chest. You attack me with your thoughts and feelings. Telling my body what to feel.

You’re always with me, sticking by my side. Telling me about all the people around me. How they keep looking at me and judge, even if I can’t tell. You save me from doing things out of my comfort zone, and remind me why not to if I try. Remind me to double check that my clothes are okay, only to tell me not to leave the house. “Why do you need to leave when you have books and music?” You ask. I don’t have an argument, I never do. Your logic is sound and helpful.

I never leave my room, even when my family is around. They don’t understand that their words only make you stay closer to me. You’ve been with me so long that you’re my best friend and I always know when you stand up. At times though you let me go, just for a moment, to let me show others how I act. But, then you come back just as quickly. They don’t understand me and or who I am.

You always know me though Anxiety. All my quirks and traits. You see the real me and don’t want others to know. To keep me to yourself forever. And I’m okay with that, as I don’t think you’ll ever leave anyway. I might as well love you. You’re so good to me Anxiety, letting me listen to your thoughts and suggestions.

How you save me countless times, over and over again. My heart and breath ache for you, stuttering and gasping before you. You let me cuddle around you so tightly. Never wanting to get up ever again. Too scared to let others near in fear they’ll take you away. They will never understand you the way I do. Or how you love me.

I don’t need to talk to people, especially on the days you never leave me. I can stay in bed all day with you, not needing to get up for anything. You make me feel lost and secure at the same time. I must thank you for this! How you don’t let me meet new people, or speak up when I have something to say. How I don’t need to show my personality, that I’m okay with staying down and never getting up. Why would I need to do any of that when I have you Anxiety? You’re the best thing a girl could ever want to have.

Why, you tell the best stories too! Like how everyone notices my mess ups. That I can’t get up or move around in fear that I’ll trip or fall. That I’m not allowed to do something even if someone else did. How no one ever listens to me and that I can just stop talking without them noticing. And why would I want to wear something cute? Someone might call me names or make fun of me because of it. I especially love your stories that take one of my mess ups and blow it out of proportion.

How could I not love you Anxiety! You keep me company and never leave. Thank you so much for telling me all those stories. Thank you for keeping me in control. For telling me when to stay down, when to hide in myself. And lastly, thank you for never letting me reach my full potential.


	4. Depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Brief mention of cutting

Dear Depression, 

You've been by my side far longer than I ever even knew. You've been with me before I even knew what you were. With my mother, who desperately didn't want to acknowledge you. With my sister, who you overpowered far quicker than was wanted, or needed. Finally, you then reached me, pulling me closer and being pushed back with force over and over and over and over again. Not wanting you to control me. But after so much struggling you made me realize that you're not a problem that can be squashed. You're me. 

I can't pretend that you're not. I can't just expect you to leave. Just as how I can't expect any other part of me to just leave whenever I decide I don't want it. It doesn't matter that you make me feel like I'm drowning in so many emotions that I feel empty. That you push and push until I break. Telling me of all my wrongs, no matter how small. Until, one day. I find something that makes you go away for just one moment. Something that draws out one emotion above the rest and just lets me feel. Pain. 

With a blade to my wrist, knowing what I'm doing isn't right, but not caring. Because it makes me feel, something. You leave me for just that one moment. It's addicting, and a disease. Because no matter how hard I push. Or how many lines are drawn into skin. You'll come back to me. You're me. You're silent in your killings of my mind and body. You stay with me, even when someone finally notices my cries for help. You're with me when I'm sitting on a couch trying to talk to a stranger that may be able to silence you longer than the pain can. You're with me when the relapse comes. In the lines drawn into thigh where no one can see. In the pain that was never noticed and never talked about. Until now. 

Until this very moment where you've stayed with me, but haven't overpowered me. In the last four years where pain hasn't been a solitude, but a reminder to stay strong. You'll always be there. But, I know you. You're me. You're. Me. And that'll never change. No matter how hard you try to overwhelm or scream inside. When you're closer to the surface than you should be and the reminders keep showing up. You won't break me. Cause we're one and the same. Forever. And I take pride in letting others know that you're with me. But that pain doesn't follow. 

That I'm strong. That you're me. In letting myself and others know that it's alright that you're here. That no matter what, it's okay that you took the spotlight for a moment. I just have to remember that you're me. And I control myself! I control me!! No one else can decide for me but me!! So, thank you Depression. For making me stronger than ever before.


	5. Relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: relapsing and mentions of cutting

Dear Relapse, 

You came back today with no warning or explanation. I was doing so well, and don’t understand why you’re back. I’m happy, stressed of course, but happy. Why are you here? You came to me so calmly that I didn’t even notice you’re impact. I think of you like you’re supposed to be here, and then I pause. Because you’re not suppose to be here. Or anywhere near me. So, I think for a moment, and scream, and rage, and then I cry. 

It’s been five years since Depression held onto me tightly. Four since I last saw you. I don’t want you near me, in my thoughts with you’re soft whispers. You’re whispers of pain you believe I need. Pain so easily accessed. How easy it would be to pick up the blade and make the lines I can still see in my skin at this moment. The ones that I’m both proud and ashamed to have. Proud because I’m still alive and can see them. Ashamed because they’re there in the first place. That depression beat me down. And that when I overcame it, you were there to push me back down. To hold me down tightly. 

I don’t want you near me again. I’m not going to listen to you. Leave my thoughts and body to myself. Please stop whispering to me. Please stop with your soft voice that comes so easily that I never realized you were always in the back of my mind, waiting. Don’t come to the front again. Leave me alone. Please. Please leave me to myself. Please don’t come near me. Please stop with your whispers and cold grip around my mind and hands. Please Relapse. I’m begging you. Leave me. 

I was doing so good. Then you pop up and I don’t notice you. That I could hear you and it wasn’t until a week later I understood what, and who, you were. When my breathe was stolen out of my chest. Please Relapse. Please stop. I don’t need the pain anymore. I can feel without the bursts you believe I need. The ones I was convinced I needed too, not that long ago. But please, I know I don’t need you anymore. I don’t need the pain. I’m a completely different person since you last saw me. I know I’m not my best, I may never be, but I am me. That’s the best I can be, and I love it. 

I was begging you to stop, to leave earlier. I’ve thought some more and I don’t need to beg you to let me go. I just need to look at myself and ask, “What are you doing? You don’t put yourself below Relapse and give it control. You rise above it and push through.” Never lower yourself to your demons and fears. Never give it power over you. 

Relapse, I have something to tell you. You may have come so quietly back to me, but I will stay strong. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to have issues. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to freak when you come back again, because I know you will. Even if I don’t want you to. I’m going to scream, and rage, and I’m definitely going to cry. But, just because I do and will cry, doesn’t mean I’m not strong. Or below you in any way. It just means I’m human and that you’re a part of me. You always will be. In the back of my mind. It just means sometimes you’ll crawl to the front of my thoughts, doesn’t matter when you do. You’re just there. 

I’m not giving over control. You can’t take over my mind or body. You will not take control and destroy all my hard work. You will not pick up a blade. You will not make marks into skin. You will not put destructive thoughts into my mind. You will make me cry, but I’m okay with that. Crying will just show that I can feel, that I’m not an abyss. It will cleanse me. Cleanse my thoughts and create a waterfall that you can never hope to swim through. It’s my defense. So, one last thing before I go Relapse. When you come back, all I have left to say to you is, “Good luck.”


End file.
